hello
hello everyone..im finally blogging again!! din come online just yesterday and was shocked to see the sudden increase in the number of posts..haha stupid me struggled to log in for a full minute just now until i realised that i had signed in as "iwannaseeueveryday" instead of "iwannaseeyoueveryday"..hmm anyway deb and tyz will be at the chalet now..hope u are enjoying urselves!! and that its not pouring there as it is now here..to bin: its good to have a mind of ur own!!! dun be blind followers like them..its ridiculous that everyone has to do the same thing and follow each other even for sth as simple as lunch..i dun have much zi ge to say this, i noe, but all i want to say is this: having to follow and stick to certain things just becos others do so is suffocatingly painful..esp if its against ur will..i am guilty of some of things u speak of: of not daring to speak up at the right time, or breaking away frm the norm etc..and i hate myself for being so cowardly sometimes..i wanna change, but i dun noe how..there a re times when i desperately seek some kind of personality change..someone once told me abt this woman who so badly wanted to change herself that she checked herself each time she did or spoke sth and made a concsious effort to do the direct opposite..and many many long and painful years later, she became a completely different person!! it was one of the most incredulous stories ive ever heard, but my fren claimed its true..still, i dun think its possible and i dun think i should try going against my instincts or anything like that..i guess now its abt how to make the best of my life with wad ive been given..instead of hoping to me one of the many many pple i admire..(but how do i make the best out of anything when it seems ive nth to begin with?)
haiz anyway ive been slacking my whole precious holiday away again doing silly stuff..like just now i suddenly reached down to my bed drawer and spontaneously pulled out a few of those children's books i had loved reading when i was young...think i whiled away a good 2 hours or so reading them..i dun noe why but i seem to find pleasure regressing into the past..there is sth so comforting and fascinating abt those books and their idealistic storylines where the big bad bullies get their just deserts and the good kindhearted ppl ultimately truimph..and where everything is divided distictly into black and white, right and wrong ,good and bad..like this story abt this weird gnome called pink whistle who goes around "putting things right" and helping all the good kind hearted children defeat all the nasty mean bullies..even in another series of books abt boarding sch life (st clares by enid blython) supposedly for a little more mature readers it is the same..the sch miraculously is dominated by "good girls" who are largely kind and truthful and funny and nice while there will be a few bag eggs who are spiteful or boastful or mean who will become outcasts..and at the end of the story they will inevitably be 1)expelled 2) get a rude shock 3)reform..im not mocking the books..i love them..but how amamingly unrealistic they are!! if only the world was like that; if pple can all be so simply classified as good and bad..cant rmb where i heard this but i couldnt get it out of my mind when i heard it: "beside a heart of evil can reside a heart of compassion" or sth like that..and i think its so true..ive met some ppl who are so frightenly complex..who can seem so good and yet do bad..i really really do wonder how they feel deep down; if they ever have a nagging conscience or if they do feel what they do or say..im perplexed by myself too..finding it hard to understand the weird negative emotions of anger or indifference i feel at times..finding it hard to understand who the real me is..
ahh. im rambling and crapping. but my mood is odd these days, like a sin x curve, as i said before..swinging btw periods of sudden bursts of optimism and periods of fear and depression..and periods where i feel complete numbness..perhaps the most frightening of all.
i miss u all terribly..
hope u all have a great wkend:)
oeh.
posted by the best friends for life.. @ 5:05 PM
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