at this point of time, i'm surprised at why i'm even blogging. i've got a never ending pile of work to revise, i think i've almost come to accept that i'd never finish it. maybe that's why i'm here.
my mind's been in such a blur these few days, it seems like i can barely concentrate, and i thought i was one with quite strong mental discipline. well, it comes to a point where not even the next word is going to go in that i decided to do my QT a little earlier than routine, and true and faithful as God has been the past week, He has indeed shown that he knows my every thought.
I don't have the habit of putting such blatant testimonies on this supposedly shared blog, but i guess this is just one of those times that i felt i just have to. something like how the hillsong lyrics
"so blessed, i cant contain it, so much i've got to give it away, your love has taught me to live now, you are more than enough for me".
bet i sound like i've got bipolar disorder already, first saying that my minds in a complete mumble jumble non-study mode. next saying that i'm blessed. well, i really don't have much time to tell long stories here, but in summary, yesterday, during cell group, we were sharing about our goals for 2009, and the past week's devotions. and i mentioned that so far, God has been very gracious to me, that in the approx 10min i leave for QT at the end of the day, He has always spokent to me, somehow alayed my fears and concerns for the events of that day, given me a amazingly relevant passage to always bring me back to Him in all that happens in life. Last week, there was a reading on self confidence, just on a day when i was wondering what i was actually capapble of, what i doing in med sch etc. there were other relevant ones too.
so today, when i simply cldn't study anymore, my mind abounding with worries (i'm typically worry-wart:() about finishing studying, abt health, abt so many other things, i deicded to just go do my QT first. and true enough, today's reading was the often-used 'do not worry' passage from matthew (check the online Upper Room if you're curious:) ). and upon reading, i suddenly seemed crystal clear why i was prompted to go do QT instead of trying to sit at my table and stuff in more info through blurry eyes.
indeed, as the Thought of the Day in today's reading wrote,
"When we trust God, there is less room in us for worry."
ok, i've no idea whether i'm coherent, probably not cos i left out so many parts of the story. but i've really got to get back to my notes, at least with my mind at peace. Indeed He walks with me, all the time:)
a little break
just done with about slightly more than half of the first CAs.. somehow this bout of CAs seemed exceptionally trying, despite it being mostly MCQs, which does not necessarily equate to them being easier, just that the sense that everything's on the paper and it's just a matter of choosing is slightly comforting to me when i study :P studied in the lib quite a bit for this round of CAs, and it's def more fun studying with friends, trying to recall strange names of unfamiliar drugs over lunch, having them explain concepts that no matter how much i stare at the ppt slide i still don't get, and having them listen to all the whining about nothing going in. thanks to both of you, hope i didn't decrease your productivity too much :P in terms of the effectiveness of studying outside, i guess the results of this CA will tell, tho i know it won't be too accurate a gauge cos my carelessness came into play BIG TIME this CA :( sigh.. guess i shall just have to trust God with the results.
on the note of studying in the library, i'm extremely surprised at how many pple have told my sis that they see someone like her in the library everyday, but reading medicine textbooks! when my sis first told me, i found that particular friend's observation pretty freaky, cos i doubt we even look similar at all! then a couple of weeks later, another friend tells my sis the same thing.. looks like things look very different from an outsider's perspective!
got 2 weeks before the next test, so i decided to give myself the weekend off :) nice to have a breather, but also strange to have a break this short. can't really do everything i want to do, maybe i'll just go out a bit, can't believe i haven't been to town for so long i didn't know the christmas decoration and lights were up.. and then i can imagine how hard it'll be to try to sit down and study again just when i got into the swing of relaxing..lol
to the rest who's exams are coming, jiayou! deb and yingggg, i'm sure you both can do it, ultimately hardworking pple, i'm sure it'll pay off. to xiaogui, smarty pants :P don't need to worry at all! and ouou, see you in the lib everyday, even sunday! sure u've gone over your material for the 100th time you've got it all at the tip of your fingers. all the best dears!
Blessed :)
sch's been going on for 4 weeks already, and i've already accumulated much catching up to do already..lol.. but then again, what's new :P
went out a lot the past week (which prob explains the prev point), and it was really enjoyable.. being able to meet up with friends and talk about anything under the sun.. really blessed to have so many wonderful pple in my life :) not really in the habit of putting photos up (hope e pple in the photo don't mind, but if u do just let me know), but don't have much time left to do too much narration, so i guess it'll have to do this time..
a surprise visit on tues, this group of friends never fail to amuse me with their creative ways
friends who i know will always be there, indeed they've been for at least 6 years!
extremely nice pple who make e long days of med sch bearable and are always there to listen
met Ju cos she made very yummy chocolate banana nut cake, but i forgot to take a pic with her :( so i've got her delicious cake here instead (sorry, can't figure out how to flip the photo :P)
the best for the last, dinner and cake with my family :)
(little did i expect i'd take so long to put photos up!! not again for a long time to come :P)
i must say the new acad year hasn't been a bed of roses, there have been times when i'm so confused bout certain decisions, wishing i had more discipline to do more studying, yet wanting to spend time with family and friends. but this week has certainly been great. by God's grace a prayer has been answered, and i indulged in many priceless moments with friends and family, making me realize how very blessed i am. thanks to everyone who made this week so special!
only a couple of weeks left of this 3 month break that i was so eagerly anticipating, not that sch's all that bad, just that the feeling of freedom to do anything and everything is so wonderful. and altho i say with a tinge of sadness how there's so little of this holiday left, i can also say that i don't regret one bit of how i spent the past 3 months.
first was my trip to sweden and norway to visit my sis. had an easy time on that trip cos my sister was so familiar with the place she just brought us around everywhere, told us how to go to places, how to take the trains and buses and the most economical way to do so. it was really a sit back and relax sort of trip, which was quite therapeutic after the intensive studying for pros. and the scenery in norway is remarkable. altho it was approaching summer, i managed to catch the 'winter wonderland' scenery in norway when we took the train up to quite a high altitude. i think at that altitude, they have the winterwonder land scenery all year round :P it's really pretty, to look out of the train and see a blanket of white, glistening in the sun! apart from the scenery, it's also nice to see a new place and it's people, and although i won't say they're society is a far cry from over here, the culture is still different. for one thing, there are many many many prams there all over the place. also, the bring-your-own-bag idea is very prevalent there, so we always have a few huge plastic bags in our backpacks when we go out, in case we decide to do grocery shopping on the way home.
then was japan! even almost 2 months after the trip, the excitement of the trip has not worn off and the many experiences still come back so fresh in my mind. too much to write about japan over here, and i'm still working on my scrapbook, yes, almost 2 months already. i'm sure i'll complete it in due time. anw, this was the first long trip i went with friends, and which involved quite a lot of intercity travelling. at the end of the trip, all that i can say is that every moment, be it sitting on the train for hours, lugging our bags on the streets, cycling ard, shopping, themeparks, playing cards, unintentionally doing a nature trail, were all very special in their own ways. and of course, i'm most thankful to have gone with the people i went with. got to know these few people from my og much better, and we'll always have these common memories and experiences to laugh and talk about in the years to come. really blessed to have found this group of friend in medicine :)
then there were the camps! 2 camps and 1 precamp in 2 consecutive weeks (e precamp overlapping with 1 of the camps). i thought initially that i did regret making this commitment, but through it all, i'd say that sometimes a step out of my comfort zone provides good exposure and taught me a few things. so there shld be no regrets... things did get slightly trying with so many activities on and decisions to make (commitment/responsibility vs enjoyment), but i guess with things going so well since the hols began, this incident did remind me once again on my dependence on God. so after e first camp, i was quite tired already, almost half expected to fall sick, really glad i didn't. 2nd camp was fun, made many new friends and got to know a few og mates better too! thanks to all those who helped me and cared for me when things weren't going well for me, i'm really touched.
guess i managed to have a decent break after all the camps, tho i've been kept busy with planning the cip lately. i've learnt and felt a lot just from planning this cip, maybe i'll write about it some other time. in the mean time, i just hope the event itself goes well :)
apart from all these more major events, there have been the little pleasures in life that i can afford a bit more of during the hols. like gyming and finding good affordable food with eli, baking with the japan group and some others from the og, shopping outings with pea, gatherings/stayover with my ny friends (e most constant group of pple thru all seasons of my life :)), going for lunches with family and my grandparents, scrapbooking, meeting up with those studying overseas and many more things.
there's much to be thankful for this hols...
i've been planning a cip with a home that has residents with mental problems, but for a long time i wasn't able to grasp exactly what kind of illness this is about. i thought about the issue very logically, isn't everyone in control of their thoughts or actions all the time? but as usual, i find my answers in a way that always seems so personal sometimes i'd be happier not finding out.
was awoken 'early' this morning by a mini crisis. to cut a long story short, something was amiss and the conclusion of the story is that the helper had to go back to the agent. a simple conclusion which somehow evoked the most saddening and miserable and rotten feeling i've ever felt in such a long time. it seemed to me such an emotionally and psychologically cruel thing to do, to get someone to pack up and leave with no notice at all, as if expecting that person to uproot from the present life just like that, just when she was getting through the settling-in phase. and then i think about how all these helpers usually spend the first few months of their pay paying back agent fees and what not and only start to earn their keep much later, and that makes me feel even sadder. i do admit there are many things we do not see eye to eye, that we just cannot seem to comprehend. but everyone is a little eccentric in their own way, maybe just some more than others... i guess if we can't tolerate someone's quirks, then separation will eventually be inevitable, just that in this case, it was the process of separation, and the catalyst of it, that bothers and saddens me. what looked like an apparent dishonest act was later claimed to be done in our interest. personally, i'd take the story, there were easily dozens of earlier opportunities to be dishonest and with easily a bigger loot, just that this incident was all too random that it tipped the balance formed on a meager amount of trust just a little too much, it was the straw that broke the camels back and resulted in this outcome. so to me, the extremely saddening part is that the event, which could have been done in our interest, albeit in a rather wrong and unacceptable manner, is what caused the impromptu decision this morning. and the even worst part is that up to the end, she may not even understand all this cause she may still think that what happened was for us, and we'd really be the bad guys in this case. although not a a 100percent parallel, i'm guessing this is often the case with patients with mental illnesses. their intentions are misunderstood, not because of a miscommunication, but because they just think differently, because their reasoning we simply cannot comprehend. and what were initially pure intentions, executed not in the sociably acceptable manner because of their different thinking, causes so much unhappiness. and yet they cannot understand why people around are unhappy.
upon reflection, i dont really think it was anyone's fault the way things turned out, just that she got the worse of the deal. and the manner in which things were done were personally painful to witness. she is after all, a good worker and i'd like to believe, to the very end an honest person. it's just that somehow other qualities which should be lower down the list of priorities seem to stand out more.. someone paralleled it to another person beating you to a promotion even tho your work is good, and i guess that's the cruelty of this world, or reality.
strangely, everyone at home didn't seem as affected as i am. couldn't figure out why this whole incident bothered me so much, i just seemed to empathize too much with her plight, everything she's been through to settle down and now the sudden-ess of this drastic change. i realized that in contrast to how strong i can be bout my own fears or difficulties or struggles, these situations i see others go through can really affect me a lot, that these things can move me to tears which i refuse to reveal infront of others (and somehow have the ability to channel to other orifices until i'm away from everyone i know). sigh, this hard on the outside, soft on the inside trait reminds me so much of a macaroon :P and upon further thought, maybe that's why i ended up choosing to do medicine in the end. all along, i thought i could think very logically and detach my emotions from most issues and decisions, but maybe that's not true after all. and maybe and hopefully this is what's going to make me a good professional next time.. a macaroon.. hard on the outside, but ultimately still with an inevitable inclination to emphatize with the plight of others.
i'm actually done with year 1 in uni, or at least i'm hoping and praying so. hardly feel like i'm 1/5 a qualified professional tho. lol.. it seemed not long ago that there was all the hype and excitement bout starting uni and entering a new course and mayb a new phase of life, and now we're actually planning orientation camp and what not for the new year 1s, juniors asking bout interview experience etc. and despite how this academic yr seemed to have passed so quickly, i think i took the whole year to get used to this new routine and lifestyle and environment. looking back, i might have spent a greater time of the year in a blur, confused and trying to sort a lot of things out for myself. for one thing, i never thot things of the past wld have such a great impact, but after all of it, i guess i can say that what can't break you can only make you stronger (with God's help too :)) experiences and memories can't really be forgotten, but at least i cld say that time does heal and if you try hard enough, it is possible to make some things fade with time...
coincidentally, as i type this entry, kevin kern's 'sundial dreams' is playing on my playlist. deb sent me the song long ago, one of her fav one's i think, it's such a song for reminiscing. speaking of which, i realize that i associate songs with certain events or phases of my life very easily, like there's a soft spot for songs that can bring back a certain point in my life so vividly. like how sclub7 and m2m reminds me of the china trip with my basketball teammates in pri 6. think those who had discman's at that time and shared them ard had those songs playing repeatedly on the coach as we went from shanghai to suzhou and hangzhou; certain hip-hop music and catchy tunes like the umbrella song (which i'm not very tolerant of) reminds me of the days i worked in the gym early last year. those memorable mornings when i reached the pitch dark gym at 5am to start things up and greet e crazy early gymers at 6am! ; certain chinese songs, like tong hua and yi qian nian yi hou (which happens to be playing now :))to name a few reminds me of the many kbox outings with my jc class. apart from those sessions, my exposure to chinese songs are almost 0... how the girls in the class will randomly gather ard the class bench to sing.. e girls in jc class can really sing, very well :); e song 'way back into love' reminds me so much of the adelaide trip with a few jc friends last yr and some other random things.. remember how during the adelaide trip, we'd put the song on repeat mode and play bridge at night, as the rest of the city came to a standstill at an amazing 6pm.. ; and now corrinne may songs remind me of that studying period before pros. as i walked down to law library in the afternoon and listened to her songs, or as i walked home after a day of studying which seemed to have passed so quickly but yet not quickly enough. and on the days when i was too lazy to go down to the library and listened to some music during my lunch break at home... clearly i'm quite gd at reminiscing :)
post-exams period has been quite exciting and fun, and i think there shld be quite a bit more in store. been out quite a bit with my og, it's fun! had activities like our mini sports days, when we played basketball, some-sort-of-soccer, attempted tennis, and learnt table tennis. sports is fun, esp when there are so many pple to play with. have been planning a couple of holidays to come too. that has managed to keep me rather occupied. so excited bout the trips, and i'm always reminded of how blessed i am to be able to travel even tho i chose to stay in s'pore to study. met up with primary sch and sec sch friends, watched a couple of movies, including definitely maybe, which i found a bit random and not terribly heartwarming (my definition of a romantic comedy :)) and little ms sunshine (which i'm still too perplexed about to comment), shopping (despite numerous attempts to be more disciplined and just walk away :P)... plan to do a bit more baking when i get back from my trips. and meet up with a few more friends..
think this is enough randomness for one night.
looking forward...
random thoughts
realized this is not a very apt title cos all the previous entry were random thoughts too, but i'm just not any more creative than this :P
a whole month of the new year has passed, so quickly! but what's new, every entry seems to start with how time flies anw. endeavored to study harder this year, but somehow that only lasted for a week.. tuition and all, tho not a lot, seem to be taking up a substantial amt of time, not to mention my craving to bake! so want to bake some cny cookies or something!
stayed over at my grandma's place last weekend, which happens almost fortnightly or weekly.. i won't say it's most convenient, but it's a nice quiet place to spend a weekend night actually. to try to get some work done, or just to have some time to get lost in thought, time, and space. and it occurred to me that 2 of the most beautiful women i've know are my grandmothers. One has amazed me with her strength and will power after everything that happened last year.. i don't know, i was just so afraid that things wld go downhill for her after that, that it wld be a change too great to cope with.. but i'm so glad things didn't turn out that way (i know that a tinge of sadness gets to her sometimes when she looks at old photos, but that's only natural right). mayb it's bcos she accepted Christ after that, mayb it's bcos she just has a very positive outlook to life, but what ever it is, i'm really impressed!
and my other grandmother, the way she looks after my grandfather, helping nurse him with his every need, keeping him company the whole day, sometimes having to put up with complaints of how home-cooked food doesn't taste very tasty (he's really nice, but i do imagine it does get tiring), i don't know, but i think it'll take enormous effort to keep up with that.. and e lack of outward expression of appreciation for all she's been doing (tho i do believe that pple don't always speak what they feel..) and how she doesn't go out very much, but when she does, she's always thinking and rushing abt so that she won't be away for too long..she's got lotsa energy for a grandma too, does the grocery shopping, and cooks yummy dinner for e whole family almost everynight. amazed
ironically, i know that we seldom tell the respective pple this sort of things, it's just kind of strange right...so as i was saying, these are completely random thoughts. haha.. just didn't feel like doing very much work on a friday night :P
