was awoken 'early' this morning by a mini crisis. to cut a long story short, something was amiss and the conclusion of the story is that the helper had to go back to the agent. a simple conclusion which somehow evoked the most saddening and miserable and rotten feeling i've ever felt in such a long time. it seemed to me such an emotionally and psychologically cruel thing to do, to get someone to pack up and leave with no notice at all, as if expecting that person to uproot from the present life just like that, just when she was getting through the settling-in phase. and then i think about how all these helpers usually spend the first few months of their pay paying back agent fees and what not and only start to earn their keep much later, and that makes me feel even sadder. i do admit there are many things we do not see eye to eye, that we just cannot seem to comprehend. but everyone is a little eccentric in their own way, maybe just some more than others... i guess if we can't tolerate someone's quirks, then separation will eventually be inevitable, just that in this case, it was the process of separation, and the catalyst of it, that bothers and saddens me. what looked like an apparent dishonest act was later claimed to be done in our interest. personally, i'd take the story, there were easily dozens of earlier opportunities to be dishonest and with easily a bigger loot, just that this incident was all too random that it tipped the balance formed on a meager amount of trust just a little too much, it was the straw that broke the camels back and resulted in this outcome. so to me, the extremely saddening part is that the event, which could have been done in our interest, albeit in a rather wrong and unacceptable manner, is what caused the impromptu decision this morning. and the even worst part is that up to the end, she may not even understand all this cause she may still think that what happened was for us, and we'd really be the bad guys in this case. although not a a 100percent parallel, i'm guessing this is often the case with patients with mental illnesses. their intentions are misunderstood, not because of a miscommunication, but because they just think differently, because their reasoning we simply cannot comprehend. and what were initially pure intentions, executed not in the sociably acceptable manner because of their different thinking, causes so much unhappiness. and yet they cannot understand why people around are unhappy.
upon reflection, i dont really think it was anyone's fault the way things turned out, just that she got the worse of the deal. and the manner in which things were done were personally painful to witness. she is after all, a good worker and i'd like to believe, to the very end an honest person. it's just that somehow other qualities which should be lower down the list of priorities seem to stand out more.. someone paralleled it to another person beating you to a promotion even tho your work is good, and i guess that's the cruelty of this world, or reality.
strangely, everyone at home didn't seem as affected as i am. couldn't figure out why this whole incident bothered me so much, i just seemed to empathize too much with her plight, everything she's been through to settle down and now the sudden-ess of this drastic change. i realized that in contrast to how strong i can be bout my own fears or difficulties or struggles, these situations i see others go through can really affect me a lot, that these things can move me to tears which i refuse to reveal infront of others (and somehow have the ability to channel to other orifices until i'm away from everyone i know). sigh, this hard on the outside, soft on the inside trait reminds me so much of a macaroon :P and upon further thought, maybe that's why i ended up choosing to do medicine in the end. all along, i thought i could think very logically and detach my emotions from most issues and decisions, but maybe that's not true after all. and maybe and hopefully this is what's going to make me a good professional next time.. a macaroon.. hard on the outside, but ultimately still with an inevitable inclination to emphatize with the plight of others.
posted by the best friends for life.. @ 10:37 PM
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